How to Reduce Stress by Speaking Kindly This Season

The words you use to describe the holiday define your experience of the holiday. It’s true. If you say to yourself, “Oh no, here come the holidays with their stress and exhaustion and pseudo-nostalgic crap,” well, that’s exactly what you’ll expect — and experience. And while you may very well feel that way, choosing the words and thoughts with which you interface with the stress of this season can make a difference.

Stress isn’t out there…you can’t catch it — it’s how you respond to stress that determines your experience. Thoughts and words are a critical part of that because they mirror how you interpret what’s going on around you.

Let’s look at the holiday even more directly. In the Christian nativity scene, Mary lovingly cradles her baby, Jesus. In the story of Hanukkah, the miracle is the small bit lantern oil that burned on long after it should have gone out.

I see tenderness at the heart of these stories. They speak to our shared need to appreciate and care for one another and our communities in small, selfless, quiet ways. And this season offers us a chance to express that tender impulse consciously, in word and deed, to ourselves and others.

Here are five ways to shift your thoughts and your words this season:

Change your words. The key to shifting from a stressed and fearful state of mind to one of kindness and ease starts with a move from resistance to openness. Once you stop resisting, pushing away, tightening up under holiday stress, the more you can receive all the good stuff it has to offer. Notice what words you’re using to describe or define your holiday and start replacing them, one at a time, to something a little less fraught. In actuality, this applies to every day, not just this season.

Take me, for example. I like the holiday hustle and bustle. It could very well be the New Yorker in me. 😉 Even the word bustle calls to mind a different experience than, say, the word “chaos.” Bustle is fast and busy, but it’s also fun and happening. Yes, the prospect of hitting the mall (now that I’m a suburbanite) and spending, well, a good amount of money can feel like a slog — but if you thought of it as an opportunity to find great stuff for your loved ones? To treasure hunt? Different experience.

Speak kindly. This is a direct and simple way to change someone’s day, not to mention your own. You don’t have to pile on the compliments — just the way in which you talk to someone (mindfully, gently) matters. Looking someone in the eye, asking if you can help, speaking to his/her heart — these things go a long way.

Doing so is a tonic for holiday craziness, but that’s not all. Andrew Shatte, Ph.D., one of meQuilibrium’s co-founders, has discovered in his research that those who create loving connection in their lives feel more confident and secure about their lives. Connection is a key aspect of resilience, the stress-busting ability to bounce back from difficulty and continue on with peace and strength — at work, at home, at the holiday dinner table, at the department store.

Let your listening speak for you. There is perhaps no kinder act than to listen, really listen, to another person. It’s more than being quiet while another talks. When you listen, you create emotional space for that person to be vulnerable, to explore his ideas, to be himself without self-consciousness. Whether the listening lasts for a moment or much longer, your silent, aware presence is indeed speech that communicates empathy, kindness and love. My husband is better at this than I am. 🙂

Try this, a tip from the experts: Listening takes both concentration and a light touch. Keep your breathing slow and even. Settle into a comfortable position, if possible, with your body turned slightly toward the person talking. Do your best not to offer solutions or soften painful emotions — your job is simply to hold the attention.

Say those three little words (plus two more). Saying “I love you” — whether to your spouse, a friend, your kids — is a bona fide mood lifter and stress reducer. When you speak kindly this way, you infuse another person with your positive emotion and let him or her feel loved, cared for, and appreciated. When you find a way to say “thank you,” too, you increase your optimism, immunity, and ability to stay calm. With both, you shift your thoughts and attention toward the positive instead of the negative, from the small things to the ones that matter.

Try this, another tip: Leave love or thank-you notes in unexpected places — a sticky note on the bathroom window, a text message just before lunch, a card that you actually put in the mailbox and send — maybe even to the office.

Shift your self talk. The holidays (and life in general) are a lot tougher when you scald yourself every day with critical self-talk. Extending kind thoughts to yourself can actually help you let go of anger and resentment, which in turn makes it easier to speak kindly and compassionately to others.

Try this, one last tip: When you catch yourself starting another round of “I suck,” take a breath and note the emotions that accompany the thought. Pay attention to your body to see where the emotions show up. You don’t have to reason or rationalize the thoughts or feelings away — just acknowledge and accept them for what they are.

Now imagine you were with a friend who was berating herself. What would you say to her? How would you comfort her? Use that same tone and language to turn the hate-filled words to gentle affirmation.

Dr. Caroline Leaf, communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist, has researched the mind-brain-body connection since the early 1980s. Dr. Leaf states, “If we do not learn to manage stress correctly it can negatively impact both our mental and physical well-being. Prolonged periods of stress, for example, can affect our ability to digest food and sleep, while laying the foundation for mental issues such as anxiety and depression. It is therefore vital that we recognize when our body is in toxic stress so we can quickly move out of the “danger zone.” Once we are aware we are in the “danger zone” we can make stress work for us by reconceptualizing the problem and turning it into something constructive, as discussed in my book Think, Learn, Succeed. 

“Kind words are like honey–sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” Proverbs 16:24. Now, that’s a holiday gift everyone can use.